Why being with other people feels good

The body keeps track of who you're with

We tend to think of social life as something emotional or about scheduling: you feel like it or you don't, there's time or there isn't. But feeling accompanied — or feeling alone — also has a physiological side. Sustained isolation is associated with more activation of the stress system; social support, with the opposite.

You don't need the science to sense it: almost everyone recognises the difference between spending a whole week without really talking to anyone and spending a long afternoon with people you feel at ease with.

Cortisol: the alarm that sometimes doesn't switch off

Cortisol is a necessary hormone. It helps us wake up, respond to a threat, get the body going when it's needed. The problem isn't having it: it's having it high in a sustained way, when the alarm stays on even though there's nothing left to defend against.

That's where rest, movement and sleep come in… and also, and we often forget it, the quality of our relationships.

Oxytocin: what happens when you feel safe

Oxytocin is a hormone released in moments of contact and safe connection: a hug, a calm conversation, laughing with someone, feeling that you belong to a group. It's associated with a sense of calm and with lower stress reactivity.

The psychiatrist Marian Rojas Estapé has done a lot to popularise this idea with the concept of "vitamin people": surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good encourages the release of oxytocin, which helps to counter the effects of sustained cortisol.

Why enjoyment counts too

There's a fairly widespread idea that serious personal work has to be uncomfortable, silent and done alone. And part of it is. But sharing a meal, a laugh, an unhurried conversation or a beautiful landscape with other people isn't a distraction from the work: for the body, it's also part of what holds it up.

Shared enjoyment isn't at odds with looking at yourself honestly. Quite the opposite: it's easier to hold the hard parts when there are also good moments around them.

What this has to do with MAR ADENTRO

MAR ADENTRO is, among other things, an attempt to build those moments on purpose: a group that meets several times a year at sea, shares time, talks, works on itself and also rests and enjoys, with individual support between one gathering and the next.

Not because the sea has powers, but because bringing together people who want to look after themselves and who also enjoy the same kind of plans creates a context where good things are more likely to happen.

On my YouTube channel I talk about several of these topics.